J.U.D.A.S.

By Phil Abrams
100 words

The Associated Press reports this week that a number of churches and synagogues are installing global positioning system chips inside nativity scenes and menorahs so that they can be quickly located if they are stolen.

- Overheard on N.P.R.

Concerned for this year’s baby Jesus (last year’s was stolen off our lawn), I invested in a high-tech unit for manger security. News stories proclaimed churches were seeking GPS products to safeguard their Chosen Ones. Upon cutting open the box though, I realized that the Jesus Undercover Detection Alarm System was simply less than divine. Flimsy lights, cracked plastic poles, cheap kinked-up wires (thin as spun sugar) were revealed, along with instructions in Greek, or possibly Latin. My wise wife was right. Yea, I was deceived. No, betrayed! “What did you expect for only 30 pieces of silver?” she chimed.

In alphabetical order, Phil Abrams is an actor, father, husband, shadow teacher, and sometime writer. Favorite Popsicle is Trader Joe's lime Fruit Floe.

The Edible Book Festival, 2008

by Phil Abrams
100 words

In Austin, Texas, of all places. Caption read, Judith Goldstein to judge - her picture leapt at him from the magazine article. Fuck books! All he could imagine was eating her! Taking her pen-like fingers, dipping them into her private inkwell, licking her writing off the wall, lying in bed devouring her like a great novel read late into the night. He must enter her contest and woo with culinary excellence wrapped in a literary masterpiece! Maybe a haiku on salmon colored soybean paper penned with squid ink? But what if she keeps kosher? Damn religion! Damn its archaic laws!

In alphabetical order, Phil Abrams is an actor, father, husband, shadow teacher, and sometime writer. Favorite Popsicle is Trader Joe's lime Fruit Floe.